My motto

Over the past few months I've been trying to reflect on my journey towards being healthier and happier and really try and appreciate how far I've come (this is all part of my plan of letting go and being as happy as I can with what I have now and accepting myself the way I am). I've started really thinking about how far I've come and remembering where I was about a year ago (just about to start bootcamp, 30 pounds heavier, eating way too much junk...). I've realized a couple things, but there's been one big thing that has stuck out at me, so I've made it my motto:

'It's not hard, it's just hard work!' Maybe it's dorky, and maybe you don't agree (and I'd love to hear why...) but that's how I feel. When I think back to where I was a year ago I'm not filled with memories of how hard it was to lose weight and how much I really struggled. It's not like a mathematical equation that just won't add up; it's not hard or difficult in the sense that it is unsolvable. That's the easy part, actually. Losing weight and becoming healthier is a pretty easy thing: stop eating so much junk, pay attention to the fuel you're feeding your body (because at the end of the day, food is fuel), and get off your ass and move. That isn't difficult. This isn't to say I didn't work my ass off in the last year. I sure did. It was hard work, I earned every pound I lost in blood, sweat and tears (usually it was sweat!) So, that's how my motto came to be - it's not hard, but it's hard work.

Sometimes I get really frustrated with people who say they just can't lose weight and they can't find the motivation. In many ways I struggled with the same things, so it does kind of feel like the rock calling the kettle black, but I'm sorry. If your excuse is that you're not motivated or you can't lose weight you just really don't want it badly enough, and you really aren't working hard enough. Like my motto says - it's not hard, it's just hard work. You have to put the work in and really make a commitment to get the results - and ANYONE can do this. It doesn't have to be some big, giant task that seems insurmountable, it's all about small changes like cutting out soda and chips, not snacking after dinner and promising yourself to go to the gym or become active at least 2-3 times a week.

I'm still working hard at the gym and I'm still watching what I eat, and I still have things I want to accomplish with my fitness (I swear, I will turn that 1-pack (it's there I promise!!!) into a 6-pack), but I'm happy where I am - a lot happier than I was a few months ago when I had body-image tunnel vision. It wasn't hard, but it was a lot of hard work get where I am. And my journey is nowhere near complete!

Challenges

I haven't blogged in awhile (perhaps that is one of my challenges?) Apologies to all my millions of loyal followers! I'll try to stay more up-to-date. I find I so easily get lost in my own life that I forget to take a moment and reflect on things - and this blog is a great way to do that. I think it's important to really think about life and what I'm doing and feeling, so I will make a much better effort to be more engaged on here in the future. Feel free to hold me to it!

So, challenges. There aren't that many of them in my life, but as is usually the case with challenges the ones we do have on a day-to-day basis seem monumental. I don't think I have a hard life overall. I have a family who love me and support me, a boyfriend who does the same, a great job and I have my health - overall,  I think I have it pretty good. I won't sit here and wax poetic about how many 'challenges' I face, as I know plenty of people could surely put me to shame, but I think challenges are kind of subjective. For me, one of my biggest challenges is fear. I am so afraid of failing. I'm so afraid of returning to where I was before (unhealthy, unmotivated). I'm starting to feel myself slip back there and I don't know how to pull myself out!

I think I am hitting a plateau and that's the problem - I also am starting to realize that I have this idea in my head of what I should look like, or what I want myself to look like, and I'm realizing that it might be unrealistic. I'm realizing it may not be me I'm picturing, but the thousands of images we're all bombarded with on a daily basis that tell us what pretty is and what sexy is. I'm trying very hard to re-wire my thinking and embrace the body I have now and the hard work (!!!) I've done to get me this far. It's a slow process but I think I am making strides. I'm trying to be less fearful of failure, I'm trying to cut myself a little slack and I'm especially trying to live a little! It's a really fine line between living a little and the snowball effect of not caring anymore and gaining weight - I was there before and I don't want to go back! I'm really trying to appreciate the things I love about myself (my arms, and the fact that I don't have to do girly knee pushups, and my slowly developing 6 pack [right now it's only a 1 pack...but I don't care!]) and focus on working hard at the gym to change those 'problem areas' without obsessing over them. So many people (my wonderful boyfriend first among them) have told me that nobody notices those things but me, and I'm finally starting to believe it.

I've realized that I'm not willing to live my life counting calories and tracking every meal. Yes, eating healthy is super important and 80% of the reason so many people aren't successful trying to lose weight. Of course I still watch carefully what I eat - but I realized I was becoming obsessed with the numbers to the point that I would do a quick 5 minute work out before sleep to try and balance out the 5 M&M's I ate that day. How crazy is that? I don't regret, and still highly recommend for those just starting, keeping a food diary. It helped me realize how out of control I was with snacking and portion sizes, it helped keep me on track and keep me honest about what I was eating. Now, a year after I started, I think I have control. I know much more about calories, nutrition and food than I did before and I keep a rough, running total in my head as the day goes on. I feel a lot more free and a lot happier with this system. And whether this makes me gain a few pounds or not, well, we'll see. I'm trying my best not to care - because what matters is what I feel on the inside and knowing I am in control and doing my best.

I have a couple blog topics in mind for the next few weeks, including healthy alternatives to crappy snack foods (tricking yourself thin, I call it) and the importance of reading labels - anything else you would like to hear about?

Cheers! xx

Snacking....Oh yes, snacking.

So, snacking. I think this is my biggest vice (and it also conviniently encompases other vices such as chocolate, chips and Cheese Bretons because these are things I love to snack on. Snacking is a good umbrella term, I think). And this week I've been struggling a lot with it. I always seem to be hungry! But, to be fair, that isn't really true. I'm not really hungry when I want to snack - I just want to eat. A lot. And preferably of something super delicious (read: bad for me). My new favorite thing is pretzels. Delicious. Peanut Butter Pretzels?! Yes, please. Sign me up.

Part of me knows that this is all mind over matter and I just need to put my big girl pants on, suck it up and tell myself, 'self, you do not need anymore *insert unhealthy food I've been snacking on, repeatedly, non-stop all week here*'. But another part of me thinks about doing this and says, 'self, screw it! Eat whatever you want, you're pretty skinny now, you can afford a week off!' But I know this is backwards thinking and takes me back to my pre-weight loss days where this was my mindset 24/7: who cares, do what you want, you're young, enjoy life! And in many ways that's true - I am making some (albeit very little...) progress on my plan to beat myself up less over small indulgences. But in many other ways it's exactly the kind of sentiment that got me to that fork in the road where I said 'enough!'

The problem is that knowing this, and recognizing the fact that I know exactly how to be successful and not fall off the wagon in terms of fitness and nutrition, and really implementing it in my life and putting down the snacks are two different things. Snacks are so good! They make me happy. They taste delicious. They provide something to do. I just like them, okay?!? They are good. And I want them. So I have given in all week to my cravings - and I will promise myself I will stop...tomorrow. Maybe not tonight...there are still pretzels to be eaten... :)

This is part of my growing process. I know that a few snacks here or there, on a day where I've made it to the gym and worked out hard, aren't the end of the world. It becomes an issue if I start telling this to myself everyday. And I won't let that happen! That's part of the battle - knowing when is enough, what is too much, and how to avoid making an occasional indulgence into a repeated pattern. This is all part of the growing process - and I'm starting to realize more and more that it's a process. There isn't ever going to be an end, a point where I say 'okay, I'm done, time to live life!' This will always be my journey and my struggle, and I have to learn to embrace it (this sounds like a new blog topic, yes? Stay tuned!)

The Ultimate Motivation

Keeping motivated is so hard. There are way too many distractions (read: delicious food and comfy couches) out there to make having a healthy, active lifestyle an easy choice. For me, the best possible motivation is success - once you start to see changes in your body it's so much easier to keep going and make sure you push extra hard at your next workout and make healthy food choices. That's why it's so hard to kickstart yourself into a healthy lifestyle; you're starting from scratch with no successes to prove to you that it's worth it and it's working. But once you make a promise to yourself to do it and get your butt in gear, the motivation will start to creep in with the successes - and it's a great feeling.

The past week or two I've been feeling really motivated - super pumped to get to the gym (even at 6:00 AM!!!!), actually excited to eat healthy and make good choices, and not feeling AS pulled in by temptation (don't get me wrong, I'm still tempted by anything and everything, but the last little while I've been noticing it less and less). That's the thing about a healthy lifestyle - in many ways it's like a big snowball that keeps building and building: you have a great workout and you want to back it up with a good meal, you have a great day at the gym and in the kitchen and you want to make sure tomorrow lives up to it, you see pounds dropping on the scale and you want to make sure they continue to drop.

I'm so happy where I am right now: feeling really motivated, happy and content with my successes the last few weeks. So I am going to embrace it, because goodness knows in a few weeks I could be in another fitness rut. I'm also trying really hard to be easier on myself and tringy to get rid of the enormous food guilt I feel everytime I take a tiny bite of something bad for me (or, in most cases, a big bite...). It's hard and I'm a work in progress. I'm trying to embrace the guilt to make it work for me because I know my problems before were that I wasn't feeling guilty about eating an entire bag of chips in one sitting and that made it really easy to keep doing it (and consequently put on a lot of weight). Now, I try to embrace the guilt and use it as a motivator to either put the bad food down (after tasting it, of course), or better yet, to get to the gym the next day and kick my own ass! I feel that if I didn't feel guilty about eating a Cadbury Creme Egg (like I did yesterday, and it was delicious), it would be way too easy to continue eating them, not work out the next day, and wake up 3 months later with 25 pounds of weight back on - and I refuse to do that! So, I make the guilt work for me. But I am trying to tell myself that an occasionally indulgence doesn't warrant guilt - good food is one of those things that makes life worth living.

Obviously having some success on the scale and in the way my clothes are fitting makes it a lot easier not to feel guilty about a small indulgence (imagine if I'd recently put on weight and indulged in a Creme Egg? Guilt for days, I assure you), and that's why success, to me, is the ultimate motivation. It's a great feeling to see positive changes in your body and to realize your goals (and even better if others begin to notice too!) and it makes you want to keep going, to keep getting to feel those fantastic feelings again and again.

Changes and struggles

I haven't blogged in awhile - it seems as though I've been creatively stifled as well as feeling stifled in my fitness/healthy eating plan. The last week or so has been super hard for me; a lot of temptation, a lot of excuses and a lot of laziness. I started to feel like I should just be happy where I am and go into maintain mode - I mean, I'm pretty happy where I am, I have a lot more confidence, so why can't I just say 'okay, this is it, the final outcome' and be happy with that? Because it's not, truthfully. I know I have more to lose, and I know I have a lot more to learn and to go through in my struggle to be fit and fabulous. I have a Victoria's Secret bathing suit catalogue sitting on my desk at work as a daily reminder of all the super cute bikinis I want that I need to feel confident  and sexy in, and I'm almost there, but not quite. So, despite a few days of mental struggle, I have decided to keep going and to try and kick it into a higher gear...Wish me luck!

The moment when I realized I could still do this, I was still capable of changing my body and seeing results, came this morning when I weighed myself at the gym. I've recently changed my thoughts about weigh-ins. I've decided monthly weigh-ins don't keep me accountable enough on a day-to-day basis - it's easy to say "oh, just have this one chocolate bar, it's fine, you don't have to weigh-in for another 2 and a half weeks!" It's REALLY easy to say that - I was saying it a lot. I finally realized one way to stop this was to weigh myself more frequently - not necessarily hoping to see big changes (because I know, especially at my current weight, that that is just not going to happen), but to make sure I'm staying on track and not gaining any weight. So, a week and a bit after my February weigh-in I hopped on the scale again, fresh off a spin workout that had me wanting to die. I'm excited to report I've passed a really big milestone - I'm in the 120s! 129 to be exact. Now, if this we're a digital scale, it likely would have read 129.6 or something because that dial was just below 130, but it was below it! I've decided to call it a moral victory and run with 129. I don't think I've weighed this much since I was 12 or 13.

Funny story about the 120s - all through highschool and University, 120 was the weight I always thought I should be. So, although in my head I knew there wasn't a chance in hell I was anywhere near that, whenever people casually asked me what I weighed I'd casually respond with "oh, you know, like 120, 130." For some reason people believed me (or maybe they didn't I they smiled sadly at me later, who knows). So to actually be able to say that, and not have it be a complete and utter lie, is an amazing feeling. It makes me feel like I get to go back to that slightly chubby teenager and tell her "you did it!" And that's wonderful - that's what losing weight and becoming healthier should be all about. As much as it's important to have a goal outfit or to want to look smokin' in a bikini, those are all superficial indicators of a deeper change going on inside. We've all had moments of hating our own skin, and looking out and not loving what we see. To be able to put ourselves back in that place, and tell that person we used to look like that we did it and we changed is so gratifying. It's what it's all about,
really. Pounds are just numbers and clothes are just accoutrements - real change happens inside, and I truly believe that we all have a little chubby girl inside us who we get to silence forever when we get to tell her that we did it, we don't have to have muffin top anymore, we don't have to drop out of social outtings because we hate the way we look, and we can finally feel confident to rock those skinny jeans! And that's a pretty good thing.

A new month, a new weigh-in...

Where did February come from? I swear it was just Christmas! Anyway, along with the new month comes my monthly weigh-in - and I have been really dreading this one. I figured an early morning weigh-in after a particularly sweaty spin class would be just the thing, so I hopped onto the scale with a mixture of dread and excitement (heavy on the dread). I know the last month has been especially hard for me; I have slacked a bit at the gym (example: taking too many entire weekends off) and nutritionally (weekly pizza nights, extra cheating on weekends, chocolate after every lunch [I may or may not have a mini chocolate bar stash in my desk drawer at work...]) so I was particularly dreading this weigh in. I know that I haven't put on a lot of weight, my clothes can tell me that, but I just don't feel like I've lost anymore.

And therein lies the problem - how I feel! And this obsession I'm beginning to see within myself with that number...that three digit number that is starting to signify, at least in my mind, my fitness success. I know I am getting smaller, and just like on The Biggest Loser, it gets harder to 'put up big numbers' at each weigh-in. In some part of mind I knew that losing 4 pounds a month could not go on forever...I guess I just wasn't prepared for it to stop now (and especially in a month when I am wracked with guilt over my diet). So I lost 1 pound (about, as I did not weigh myself on a digital scale this time so I don't know the EXACT number) in the last month. Certainly better than gaining weight, and I know I should not complain, but I can't help but feeling a little down on myself. I know I could have done better if I was just that little bit more dedicated or worked just a little bit harder (I know I am starting to sound like one of those Biggest Loser contestants who loses 5 pounds in one week and starts crying on the scale because they felt like they let themselves down. I always scoff at those people and yell "you lost 5 ppunds - rejoice!" and now I've become one), so I am feeling a little down in the dumps today. I was really hoping to fall below that 130 level into the 120s, which I know for my height/body type is where I should be, so it's just frustrating knowing I have to wait another month to do so.

But perhaps the most frustrating thing is knowing exactly how to fix it and get back on track and just not wanting to. I know I need to, I know I have to or I am only letting myself down, but I quite enjoyed splurging on pizza and chocolate and dinners out and delicious drinks. I loved it. I wasn't as strict with my food diary and it did give me a kind of freedom (if I don't write it down I didn't eat it?!). I know that fixing these things and setting myself back on the right path will produce results because it has in the past, but part of me just wants to sulk and pout and say "screw it!" Is this productive? No. Will this only lead to more pain in the end because I will be that much further away from my goals? Of course - but the mind is never rational (in fact, my mind is quite a treasonous biatch if I may say so...); the mind always wants the easy way out. And it's frustrating to be battling your own body and your own psychological limitations along with battling self doubt (is this it? Have I plateaued?), cravings (mmm pizza...) and a lack of motivation.

Does anyone have any ideas of how to make this month my come-back month? A month where I kill it in the gym and rock it on the scale? Anyone? I've thought of changing up my workout routine (more classes) or even signing up for CrossFit (it's on Dealfind today!), but I just don't know if these things will work or only push me further down into my lack-of-motivation vortex. No one ever said this would be easy, but being confronted with cold, hard numbers proving it isn't just sucks.

So, how'd you do it?!

I get this question a lot - and I don't mean to make it sound like I'm some weight loss guru and people ask me it all the time, because that isn't true. Mostly it's people I haven't seen in awhile, or sometimes it comes up in general conversation with strangers at the gym (some of you may be shocked to learn that I am a little bit chatty...). So, here is it...my 'weight loss journey', or whatever you want to call it.

I want to preface this by saying that nothing works for everyone. There's a reason why people still struggle with weight and fitness everyday and it's because there is no cookie cutter solution. What worked for me might prove didley for someone else; I think this is what makes losing weight so frustrating for a lot of people. But, I think my approach was pretty good and I hope that it can help other people too. Plus, I wasn't successful right from the beginning. I had to kiss a few frogs, so to speak, before I found something that worked for me. At the end of the day, listen to your body and try lots of approaches (just don't listen to your body if it tells you to eat McDonald's all the time. I think that's what got me in this mess in the first place). So, without further ado...my story...

About a year ago, during the 2010 Winter Olympics, in fact, I had an 'Aha Moment' about my weight. I think we all have these. At some point we are brutally confronted with pants that won't close, muffin top that looks more and more hideous day after day and a trip up the stairs that leaves us surprisingly breathless. I had this moment at my parents' house while staying there to be with my little sister. I remember, vividly, the feeling of disgust and loathing that came when my pants would not fit. I could not get them to close, at all. I won't lie to you, this moment had been months in the making. Months of sucking in more and more to make them fit; it wasn't as if, overnight, I gained all this weight. But at that moment I came brutally face-to-face with my increasing girth. And it wasn't a good feeling. The very next day I went for a run. I told myself this wasn't going to be me - I wasn't going to be one of those people who gains 5-10 pounds a year and is unrecognizable by the time they reach 30. No sir, not me. So I started, slowly, running around the block. I think I made it for 10 minutes before I decided I'd had enough. I realized that maybe running wasn't for me - but I knew I had to make fitness part of my life.

I started buying workout DVD's off of Amazon and working at at home for the next 3 months. I don't know if this worked, or if it didn't. I can tell you I didn't notice much of a difference in my clothing, but I felt better. At least I was doing something. In May, my boss and I decided to try a bootcamp together. I was living unhappily in a body I didn't recognize, and she was getting married in the Summer and eager to get fit too. So, we signed up for Survivor Bootcamp and agonized over it looked forward to it! In May I feel like my weight loss journey truly began. I can't begin to recommend a bootcamp, or Survivor Bootcamp, enough. It changed my life and the way I feel about my body.

The first few sessions (or weeks...) we're hard. I was unfit and unhappy with all the things my body couldn't do. We had an amazing trainer/instructor who was truly more like a friend. She pushed us to be our best and push ourselves without making me feel like a weak, unfit loser who couldn't keep up. By the middle of the summer I was starting to feel stronger and fitter (and it was showing - I could now do twice as many pushups and run a kilometer in significantly less time). I was also starting to see changes. I had to buy new pants and shirts - my waistline was shrinking and it was incredibly gratifying. The first time I really noticed it (it's weird how you'll wake up one day and notice a difference, when in reality it was a gradual process) I almost started to cry. All that hardwork, all that pain, all the emotions I experienced to get to that point were finally starting to pay off. I felt 100% more confident about my body. I no longer agonized over having to wear shorts or a bathing suit (I still wasn't totally comfortable, but I no longer dreaded it). I felt good about my thighs again, and I felt good about my arms that we're starting to look less like flabby chicken wings. And this was only a couple of months in! I bought new clothes, new dresses and felt great about myself! I started to get compliments from family and friends and I felt fantastic - and even more motivated to keep going!

I finally weighed myself, for the first time in nearly two years, in July. I don't feel like we should be ashamed about weight so I will say my number. I weighed 150.1 pounds. About what I thought, but certainly not a number I loved to see. I made the mistake of not weighing myself at the beginning of my journey, but I estimate I had lost at least 5-10 pounds by the time I weighed in at 150. That wasn't a thought I liked to dwell on. But, I kept moving forward, eager to work harder and drop even more weight! I started keeping a food diary on my Blackberry during the summer as well. The sad truth is, weight loss is 90% nutrition. You can destroy a good day's workout in 5 minutes of eating. Keeping track of every little thing that I ate gave me back control over my diet and opened my eyes to the food traps I was falling into time and again. It allows me to have my snacks and my treats - but it makes sure that I fit them into my daily eating plan and caloric allowance. I can't recommend this enough if you're trying to lose weight! It sounds harsh and crazy, but it works. You'll be amazed at what you thought you were eating before and how bad for you a lot of that stuff actually is!!

I did bootcamp until early November when the weather got too cold to continue - and I continued to see signs of weight loss in the way my clothes were fitting. I signed up for a gym membership absolutely terrified that I would lose momentum and let myself slide back into a life I wasn't ready to return to. I loved my new body and my new self-confidence. I loathed having to buy 'fat pants' again. I made a promise to myself to go the gym at least 3 times a week and keep up my bootcamp schedule. I weighed myself again in November and to my delight I had lost another 10 lbs! WOW...nothing feels as good as seeing a visual confirmation of what your body has been feeling. Fantastic! I made a vow to myself to not become obsessed with the number on a scale. What mattered was how I felt and how my clothes were fitting. A number is so subjective to what time of the month it is, what time you weigh yourself and if you've put on muscle weight. But still, it is a fairly important indicator of your progress. So, once a month weigh ins began as I started a new chapter of my journey - gym workouts.

I'd never liked gym workouts in the past. I never knew what to do, where to go, how to do it, and I always felt lost in a sea of super fit people. Bootcamp gave me the tools and confidence to know what I was doing (or at least fake it really well) and not feel so unfit and self-conscious at the gym. I started going to different group fitness classes and running on the treadmill combined with different strength moves I learned in bootcamp. A month later in December I had lost another 4 pounds! I kept going to the gym and keeping that promise I made to myself to go 3 times a week (at least) and, despite ample Christmas goodies consumed, by January I had lost another 4 pounds! I'm about a week away from my next weigh in and I'm hoping I can drop below 130 for the first time since I was about 16! I weigh 132 lbs right now and am so happy! I know I have a little more I want to lose, some areas I want to tighten and tone up and I know I could be fitter, so I'm not done yet! But I also know that I have made fitness a part of my life for good, as much as I hate it and as much as I'd almost always rather be reading a good book or watching some good TV. I've made a decision to not just let life pass me by while I'm unhealthily sitting on the couch wishing I could look like those skinny bitches on TV. I know I won't ever be one of those skinny bitches - that isn't what I want. I want to be the best me I can, and I know that involves taking care of my body, being proud of my curves and being confident about the way I look. I'm 90% there and it feels fantastic. I know I have more to lose, the jiggly bits remind me of that! But it's so important to be in the moment and be thankful for what you have, so I am making conscious decisions everyday to be thankful I've been able to work hard and come this far. I resolve every morning to make the best of my day and to make good decisions and to make my next meal a healthy one, while also trying to allow myself the freedom to 'cheat' and enjoy the good stuff life has to offer: like eating out with friends, a good glass of wine or some delicious chocolate.

So, that's my journey and how I did it. It was mostly a lot of hard work, some tears, some perseverance and a lot more hardwork. Was it easy? No. I worked hard at bootcamp 3 times a week and I changed my diet and stopped eating all of my favorite foods all the time. Was it fast? No. As you've read, this process has been ongoing for the better part of a year, and I've been working out in earnest for over 6 months. It doesn't happen overnight. Was it really 'hard' in the way an impossible exam is hard? No. In that sense it was easy. It's a pretty simple formula: get moving + calorie watching=weight loss. It's like having an equation you know the answer to - but you have to show your work. Fitness and working out are the work part of it. We all just want to write down the answer, get the question right and ace the exam. But we have to show our work. It's input vs. output. That's not to diminish my accomplishment - I worked damn hard at the gym and during bootcamp and I became much stronger at resisting temptation - but it's the truth. There's no fancy weight loss gimmick that will work. You just need to expend more calories than you take in. It's simple, really. The hard part of it involves saying no to your favorite foods and getting your ass in gear to work hard. But that's all mental. Your body is capable of amazing things and wants you to be healthy - you just have to let your mind leave your body alone to do its thang! Do I still eat my favorite foods and go overboard sometimes? Of course I do, I'm human, and I can't live without chocolate or candy or (gulp) Saddledome Nachos! I just eat these things less, and I savour them because they are truly a treat. And sometimes I have days where I just eat whatever, and I know that I won't stop myself - and I vow to make the next day healthy and to work extra hard at the gym.

Oh, the pain!

Okay...so one of my favorite and least favorite things about exercise is the pain during/after. Part of me hates it and dreads it and spends every waking minute up until my workout thinking about it and trying to find ways to get out of it ("oh...I think I left my hair straightener on at home...I should probably go straight home after work!"). Another (crazier) part of me longs for it and looks forward to it with a kind of sadistic anticipation. The thing is, if it's huritng, it's working.

Now, I don't mean the 'ow, I just threw my back out kind of pain' or the 'jeez, my knee sure hurts when I bend it at that impossible angle' kind of pain, I'm talking about that deep, burning, aching pain you get when your muscles are screaming at you not to make them do what they're doing anymore! I'm talking about the kind of pain you get from a minute of jump squats (don't get me started on jump squats...) or scissor lunges. This is the kind of pain that lets you know that you're working - and while your muscles are hating you now, they will thank you later (just not in the next 2-3 days, trust me, they'll still hate you during that time frame).

I have a real love/hate relationship with this kind of pain. No one likes being in pain (I'm speaking generally here, creeps!), but I try to view workout pain as a good kind of pain. It's a manifest sign that you are doing your body good and that you are making changes. Nothing worth having comes easy - and this is especially true regarding losing weight and getting stronger. No pain, no gain, as they say! So, when I am in the throes of aforementioned jump squat hell, I try to repeat this mantra: "sexy bikini bum, sexy bikini bum" to help me visualize the changes that will result from the searing pain in my quads and glutes.

So, with all that being said, my triceps hurt, thanks to the last two days of workouts, which have apparently been tricep intensive! You wouldn't think such a relatively small muscle could cause that much pain - but they can. I suppose 3-4 minutes of tricep dips will do that, along with countless pushups. I just have to remember that the pain I'm currently experiencing driving/typing/opening doors/moving at all will all be worth it in tank top season. Embracing the pain is really a paradigm shift - you have to move from 'pain is bad, I don't want to workout because it hurts!' to 'pain is good, I'm changing my body and embracing the change!' Embracing the change involves embracing the pain, no matter how much you want to cry, no matter how you want to stop, no matter how much you just want to quit and never come back. Keep going, yell louder, and love the pain - it means it's working!

A lack of motivation

Well, there goes that weekend! After eating my way through a truly delicious Italian meal on Friday (four courses, to die for...) and way too much bread and mashed potatoes the rest of the weekend, it's time to reflect on what I did(n't) do all weekend to burn it all off. I am horribly motivated to work out on the weekends and I don't know why. If anything, you think I'd want to go even more because I have more time on my hands and can go at any time during the day - but no. I drag my ass around all day coming up with excuse after excuse to put it off for another hour. The one positive thing is that I am starting to know this about myself, so I try to counter-act it by going to a class (then I don't have to be motivated to work out myself) or by meeting someone at the gym who I can be accountable to.

I've been noticing quite a bit of a lack of motivation recently - I just don't want to go to the gym as much as I used to. Before Christmas I was great about going on weekends but in January I have fallen off that bandwagon a little bit. I like to enjoy my weekends and curl up with a good book...going to the gym is nearly three hour affair if you count prep time, drive time, workout time and shower time. On my 'day off' that just seems like a lot of work to me. I can't wait for it to be spring/summer so I can just step outside my house and go for a run without having to drive myself to a place to workout (Canadian winters, you suck!).

Perhaps this lack of motivation can be traced back to the January blues. This month is really depressing on a lot of counts, not only because it's cold and we're all getting over our December hangovers, but because we now fully realize how far away spring and warm weather is. I'm also broke and in a real rut physically - I feel like I'm not seeing as many changes or feeling as fit as I was a month or two ago. Is this all my head? Probably - but that's half the battle! And as always, I'm turning to food to deal with this blah feeling I've been having lately (counter-productive? You betcha!). It's a vicious circle: lack of motivation, feeling of blah, chocolate bar eaten to soothe inner feelings of blah, feeling gross and guilty, lack of motivation...it never ends! I know I just need to stick to my routine and get back on track, but I just feel stuck for the moment. How can I work my way out of this funk?

Ruining it all on the weekend

So, like many of you, I look forward to the weekends all week - and not because I don't like my job, I love my job, but it's just nice to be able to relax and do nothing all day. It's nice to be able to sleep in and read a book and know that you have no responsibilities beyond the basic necessities of life for the next 48 hours. Therefore, weekends are my beacons of light during a long week.

I once read somewhere that on any diet/healthy eating plan (I really hate the word diet, I think it implies something temporary) you should allow yourself cheat days, or reward days, where you let yourself go and congratulate yourself on a week's worth of health conscious choices. This is the kind of idea I can get on board with. After a week of saying no to sweets and fatty meals I think I deserve a bit of a taste bud vacation - especially on my aforementioned cherished weekend! So, over the last 6-8 months I've developed a fairly consistent pattern of letting myself have a little more leeway on the weekends food-wise (and sometimes fitness-wise). I don't count calories (like I do all week) and I have things I normally wouldn't (like a really, truly delicious dessert, or a super high-cal, high-fat breakfast like bacon and eggs or pancakes). I also tend to eat a lot more because I'm not doing anything - I will snack while reading or allow myself to have chips and dip or something truly decadent, like a whole chocolate bar!

Lately, however, I've seen some flaws in this pattern. My weekends start earlier (Thursday is almost Friday, which is the weekend, right?), last longer (Monday is just Sunday's hangover...), and contain a lot more calories (dinner plus movie food plus half a bag of M&M's is a totally acceptable amount to eat on  a Saturday night...). I haven't noticed any appreciable difference on the scale yet (I only weigh myself once a month to stop myself from being an obsessive scale watcher), but I think it's only a matter of time.

I think I've lost a bit of mental toughgness - I need to say no to my cravings when they come on Thursday and remind myself that my cheat weekend really doesn't start until Friday night (at the earliest). I don't want to cut out my cheat weekends; I think the concept of them is really great. Any healthy eating plan that doesn't include a chance to give into your cravings occasionally is one that is doomed to fail. I am a firm believer of 'everything in moderation'. Cutting out all the really delicious foods, the ones that are really bad for you, isn't a good way to live. We need to enjoy our food, not be handcuffed by it (I can't eat this, I can't eat that...). So where's the middle ground here? How can I get back on track now that the weekend is fast approaching? How can I keep myself from being eaten alive by what I like to call 'food guilt'?

It sucks. Being healthy just sucks.

It does. It sucks. Being healthy s-u-c-k-s. Bold words, I know. And many of you reading this (my friends, family) will know that over the course of the last year I've changed my lifestyle, lost about 25 pounds and become a much happier, healthier person. With these experiences in mind, 3 months of boot camp and 6 months of changing my diet, I feel like I can safely say that being healthy, eating right, exercising regularly, is the pitts. I decided that I can't possibly be the only person who thinks so - I can't be the only person who struggles through workouts and daily diets that don't include nearly enough chocolate or chips; I can't possibly be the only person who doesn't like eating vegetables; I REFUSE to believe I am the only person who just doesn't "get" what all these health nuts are talking about when they talk about "loving" exercise and "craving" salad. Barf!  So this blog is a way to reach out to all you reasonable people who just want to sit down and devour an entire bag of chips in one sitting but can't, because you're trying to lose weight. I know how you feel...I've been there (hell, I AM there!) and together we can get through this!

I've been thinking about writing this blog for awhile - mostly to connect with others and air my frustrations of living a healthier life. I've long since decided my first post would be dedicated to those crazy liars people who talk about how much they love to work out and they "really don't crave sweets" (replace sweets with any of the following in the previous sentence and the sentiment is the same: fatty foods, fast food, chocolate, comfort foods, cheese, ice cream, dessert, etc). Baloney. Who doesn't crave everything that is good about food? Rich, comforting macaroni and cheese, or delicious, melt-in-your-mouth good chocolate cake? Who can go through life consistently saying, "Oh no, I don't think I'll have the three-cheese ravioli with delicious white wine cream sauce, I'd much rather have a simple green salad - dressing on the side, please." Who ARE these people? That's against nature! These people are either lying (and trying to make the rest of us feel bad for being normal and craving all things good in life), or the food and diet equivelant of naturally skinny people (you know, those girls who could pack away 5 Coke's, 4 bags of chips and a mozza burger with fries in one sitting and not gain a pound, ever?) It's completely natural to hate them for winning the taste bud lottery.

So this is why healthy eating just sucks. I don't want a half a chicken breast with crappy brown rice and broccoli for dinner. I want a pizza. With a glass of wine. And a bowl of ice cream for dessert. And an hour later I want to have some more ice cream, with a chocolate bar on the side, and maybe a hand full of chips to balance out the salty/sweet factor. It's a daily struggle for me to make good decisions and not sabotage myself. I know exactly how to lose weight and be successful - I've done it. You need to change your lifestyle, overhaul your diet and get your ass moving. The only thing that keeps me making the right decisions in the kitchen each and every day is a complete abject terror of having to buy fat pants again - I simply will not let myself go down that road again.

I hope that this blog will become a place where I can share my weekly (daily...hourly...) struggles with leading a healthy lifestyle, discuss some tips and tricks for losing weight and becoming more fit and commiserate with the rest of you normal people who fight the good fight against all things delicious in the food world. Welcome...I hope you enjoy :)