I haven't blogged in awhile - it seems as though I've been creatively stifled as well as feeling stifled in my fitness/healthy eating plan. The last week or so has been super hard for me; a lot of temptation, a lot of excuses and a lot of laziness. I started to feel like I should just be happy where I am and go into maintain mode - I mean, I'm pretty happy where I am, I have a lot more confidence, so why can't I just say 'okay, this is it, the final outcome' and be happy with that? Because it's not, truthfully. I know I have more to lose, and I know I have a lot more to learn and to go through in my struggle to be fit and fabulous. I have a Victoria's Secret bathing suit catalogue sitting on my desk at work as a daily reminder of all the super cute bikinis I want that I need to feel confident and sexy in, and I'm almost there, but not quite. So, despite a few days of mental struggle, I have decided to keep going and to try and kick it into a higher gear...Wish me luck!
The moment when I realized I could still do this, I was still capable of changing my body and seeing results, came this morning when I weighed myself at the gym. I've recently changed my thoughts about weigh-ins. I've decided monthly weigh-ins don't keep me accountable enough on a day-to-day basis - it's easy to say "oh, just have this one chocolate bar, it's fine, you don't have to weigh-in for another 2 and a half weeks!" It's REALLY easy to say that - I was saying it a lot. I finally realized one way to stop this was to weigh myself more frequently - not necessarily hoping to see big changes (because I know, especially at my current weight, that that is just not going to happen), but to make sure I'm staying on track and not gaining any weight. So, a week and a bit after my February weigh-in I hopped on the scale again, fresh off a spin workout that had me wanting to die. I'm excited to report I've passed a really big milestone - I'm in the 120s! 129 to be exact. Now, if this we're a digital scale, it likely would have read 129.6 or something because that dial was just below 130, but it was below it! I've decided to call it a moral victory and run with 129. I don't think I've weighed this much since I was 12 or 13.
Funny story about the 120s - all through highschool and University, 120 was the weight I always thought I should be. So, although in my head I knew there wasn't a chance in hell I was anywhere near that, whenever people casually asked me what I weighed I'd casually respond with "oh, you know, like 120, 130." For some reason people believed me (or maybe they didn't I they smiled sadly at me later, who knows). So to actually be able to say that, and not have it be a complete and utter lie, is an amazing feeling. It makes me feel like I get to go back to that slightly chubby teenager and tell her "you did it!" And that's wonderful - that's what losing weight and becoming healthier should be all about. As much as it's important to have a goal outfit or to want to look smokin' in a bikini, those are all superficial indicators of a deeper change going on inside. We've all had moments of hating our own skin, and looking out and not loving what we see. To be able to put ourselves back in that place, and tell that person we used to look like that we did it and we changed is so gratifying. It's what it's all about,
really. Pounds are just numbers and clothes are just accoutrements - real change happens inside, and I truly believe that we all have a little chubby girl inside us who we get to silence forever when we get to tell her that we did it, we don't have to have muffin top anymore, we don't have to drop out of social outtings because we hate the way we look, and we can finally feel confident to rock those skinny jeans! And that's a pretty good thing.
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