Challenges

I haven't blogged in awhile (perhaps that is one of my challenges?) Apologies to all my millions of loyal followers! I'll try to stay more up-to-date. I find I so easily get lost in my own life that I forget to take a moment and reflect on things - and this blog is a great way to do that. I think it's important to really think about life and what I'm doing and feeling, so I will make a much better effort to be more engaged on here in the future. Feel free to hold me to it!

So, challenges. There aren't that many of them in my life, but as is usually the case with challenges the ones we do have on a day-to-day basis seem monumental. I don't think I have a hard life overall. I have a family who love me and support me, a boyfriend who does the same, a great job and I have my health - overall,  I think I have it pretty good. I won't sit here and wax poetic about how many 'challenges' I face, as I know plenty of people could surely put me to shame, but I think challenges are kind of subjective. For me, one of my biggest challenges is fear. I am so afraid of failing. I'm so afraid of returning to where I was before (unhealthy, unmotivated). I'm starting to feel myself slip back there and I don't know how to pull myself out!

I think I am hitting a plateau and that's the problem - I also am starting to realize that I have this idea in my head of what I should look like, or what I want myself to look like, and I'm realizing that it might be unrealistic. I'm realizing it may not be me I'm picturing, but the thousands of images we're all bombarded with on a daily basis that tell us what pretty is and what sexy is. I'm trying very hard to re-wire my thinking and embrace the body I have now and the hard work (!!!) I've done to get me this far. It's a slow process but I think I am making strides. I'm trying to be less fearful of failure, I'm trying to cut myself a little slack and I'm especially trying to live a little! It's a really fine line between living a little and the snowball effect of not caring anymore and gaining weight - I was there before and I don't want to go back! I'm really trying to appreciate the things I love about myself (my arms, and the fact that I don't have to do girly knee pushups, and my slowly developing 6 pack [right now it's only a 1 pack...but I don't care!]) and focus on working hard at the gym to change those 'problem areas' without obsessing over them. So many people (my wonderful boyfriend first among them) have told me that nobody notices those things but me, and I'm finally starting to believe it.

I've realized that I'm not willing to live my life counting calories and tracking every meal. Yes, eating healthy is super important and 80% of the reason so many people aren't successful trying to lose weight. Of course I still watch carefully what I eat - but I realized I was becoming obsessed with the numbers to the point that I would do a quick 5 minute work out before sleep to try and balance out the 5 M&M's I ate that day. How crazy is that? I don't regret, and still highly recommend for those just starting, keeping a food diary. It helped me realize how out of control I was with snacking and portion sizes, it helped keep me on track and keep me honest about what I was eating. Now, a year after I started, I think I have control. I know much more about calories, nutrition and food than I did before and I keep a rough, running total in my head as the day goes on. I feel a lot more free and a lot happier with this system. And whether this makes me gain a few pounds or not, well, we'll see. I'm trying my best not to care - because what matters is what I feel on the inside and knowing I am in control and doing my best.

I have a couple blog topics in mind for the next few weeks, including healthy alternatives to crappy snack foods (tricking yourself thin, I call it) and the importance of reading labels - anything else you would like to hear about?

Cheers! xx